I had a discussion with a friend recently. He wanted my opinion a relationship that was tip-toeing into awkward territory. They were friends, she had a sweetheart but she was flirting with my friend, and there is a pretty big age difference between them. Some people might look at the details of his story and say “Draaaamaaaa! Run!” But since he asked, I took the time to consider that everyone involved is a real person with their own emotions, strengths, and weak spots.
Advising friends can be difficult territory to navigate, and this experience got me thinking about how to do so. The first thing is, people are much more open to your opinion when they ask for it. There is generally a tendency to think that supporting your friend means agreeing with them, and if you don’t then you are taking the other person’s side. But the fact is, as an outside observer I could see things going on that perhaps he could not, since I had some distance from the situation.
Advice mentors or role models are very useful. When you get a reading from someone at Spellmaker, as you get their insight on your case, observe also how they give the information. Mambo has been doing this for many years, and wants to provide it in a way that you will listen and think on it. I also enjoy reading some advice columns online. Many of them allow for reader comments, so you can see the different ways that people state their opinion. Which ways seem to be the most effective? Some commenters will take the columnist to task, which is also interesting to see.
People gain wisdom as they grow, and I explained to my friend that, as the older person, he would have to be more responsible and perhaps see himself as a mentor in the relationship. Pushing boundaries is part of the learning process. I hesitate to call it “growing up,” because everyone runs into new situations that require different approaches. Something may be tried that has shock value, and the person on the receiving end makes a decision on whether they will be shocked, ignore it, or perhaps escalate!
I tried to leave my friend with the sense of trusting his own judgment rather than telling him what to do. One of the difficulties of life, and a common way to get hurt, is that it’s hard to know another person’s motivation in seeking a relationship. It’s especially hard when our own emotions are involved! There is a lot of neediness out there that masquerades as love; the promise of a romantic relationship. Such attractions can turn into something more, but it helps to know what is happening. Readings can help you sort it out.
Love, Khouzhan Lucy
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