Hello everyone! So quite some time back, I did a post regarding this article: The Good Enough Marriage. It is, as it states, an article about the "good enough" marriage and/or relationship. I definitely wondered what you thought about that article - agree, disagree? I was re-reading the comments that people had sent in and thought this was so worth reposting because not only was the article thought-provoking, so were the comments!
It seems that most of you think pretty much the same way I do - there is NO SUCH THING as a "good enough" relationship. I just thought that was ridiculous and was poor advice to give people. Yes, some of the things in the article were good, but just the idea of settling just to be with someone seemed crazy to me. I have told many of you that if your relationship or marriage was "ok" that meant you had a poor relationship or marriage. Now, of course, that is just my opinion, but I could never see spending years of my life with someone who I just thought was "ok" for me!
I did want to share what some of you said and have the chance to comment on it here (my comments are in italics).
Well, I read this article awhile back, and then came back to comment on it. The reason is it hit very close to my home. I was in a "good enough" marriage that eventually wasn't good enough. I can look back on when I made the decision to marry my husband, knowing even then I thought I wouldn't get another offer. I "settled" for 13 years. I am not saying all 13 years were bad. There were a few years that were great, a few where I felt I was doing all the work, and a few I felt he did a lot of the work. We lost of sync but I am not really sure we ever had it to begin with. When I met my HD, in a short time with him, I realized all the things I didn't have in my marriage. My husband and I didn't have passion, we didn't have romance, I missed him "being" proud of me sort of showing me off. I missed the physical part for most of those 13 years. Again not to say sex wasn't there, it was, but more of a "routine". I look at different people in my life, Mambo and Parran being just two of them, and you would have to be blind to not see how passionate they are with each other and how happy. Don't settle for someone, life is too short. I have to believe what Mambo has told me over the years and that we have many soulmates. My husband gave me the best things in my life, my two sons, and for that I will always love him. But I know, without a doubt, no matter how hard it is sometimes, that God didn't want us to be alone in this life, and there is someone out there who is looking for us too. Don't settle. There is a difference, I know I have lived it.
Mambo I love this article. I think many times women(men too!) believe that there is THE perfect person out there for them. While I do believe there are certain people we are supposed to end up with, I definitly do not think it is going to be a fairy tale ala disney style. I also think some clients come to spellmaker expecting to make their ho hum relationship into a disney classic. Spellwork is not going to do that, nothing will. My HD is not who I thought I would wind up with. I was picturing myself with Enrique Iglesias, yet HD is jewish, covered in tattoos and piercings, dropped out of college, doesn't care about money, doesn't care what kind of car he drives, etc, yet he treated me 1 million times better than any smart,rich pretty boy I thought I would end up with..HD isn't my 'good enough,' he is my imperfect perfect!
I had a "good enough" marriage. It wasn't. Something the article does not address is how we change over the years, and how our situations change. In our early 20s, almost everyone our age is available, so there is a huge pool to explore and choose from. In our 40s, not so much. Our experience shows us a far different set of things that are important. Who is to say when we are being realistic and when we are not? Do we have a caste system for potential dates and mates, where we can't marry up or down? Relationships are a lot more complex than a set of criteria to meet. A short article like that can't cover it all, but luckily we have our Mambo and Parran, Sisters and case workers to guide us. ;-)
>>Yes, "good enough" just isn't and in the end, despite what that article says, there is always a level of dissatisfaction that will emerge with a "good enough" marriage... in my opinion, life will be filled with "what ifs" IF one has a "good enough" relationship. You are so right - realism exists on an individual basis. As far as that "caste system" - trust me, we see it a lot in our work - "I can't be with so and so because s/he isn't my religion...or race....or age, etc., etc." Nevermind that true love exists! Sigh.
Wow! This was really interesting! I agree with it up to a certain point- but I feel that the article deemphasizes the love and romance that's important to a relationship way too much. Have we, as “modern-day” and “independent” folks, set our expectations way too high for love? In many cases- yes! It’s important to be realistic and open minded. That being said, we can’t simply take a defeatist attitude and get ourselves a business partner instead of a love. I think that the five guidelines that are set out in the article are essential for a lasting, healthy relationship…but it has to be treated WITH love- not like you’re writing out a legalistic contract. Also- people change. Our loves can change as people and their goals may vary from what they were originally. It’s up to us to decide if we want to remain with them if and when that happens. If you’re just marrying someone due to coinciding goals and interests- what happens when those change? If you’re marrying someone out of real and true love for that person…perhaps you’ll be more likely to say, “okay, this isn’t what I expected- but I love you. Let’s keep going and see where it takes us, baby!” Point being, if you approach things TOO “mechanically” you may be setting yourself up for just as much of a letdown as the person who holds out forever, searching for Prince Charming. For me, while there IS significant wisdom therein, this quote just depicts someone who is desperately trying to rationalize their actions: "If I had to settle for a new Oldsmobile when what I really want is a Porsche, I'll never be satisfied. In truth, the Oldsmobile is new, it's pretty, and it works. Why wouldn't I be satisfied with it?" Dude- you came into the shop telling the dealer that you wanted a Porsche. Maybe you saved a few bucks…but you’re going to be driving that car for a LONG time. But hey- all power to ya. This is just my knee-jerk reaction; I really feel it’s a blend of the two extremes, a tightrope walk. Also, right now I’m young, idealistic, and a total romantic. Who knows what I’ll say come a few years from now. But, hopefully, I’ll be saying it from a Porsche- one with a dang good warranty.
