Most of the time my life revolves around helping those that are trying to find their happiness...or at least that is what I THINK I am doing! Sometimes, though, I am pretty sure that what people are wanting to do is desperately hang on to their unhappiness; they want to wallow in it, taste it, smear it all over them. So, I have to give those folks some time and some advice. I don't want to be unfair and only cater to the people who want to be happy! So here it goes:
My 21 Golden Rules of Making Sure You Remain Unhappy:
1. Assume the worst about everyone because, of course, you can't trust them. They are all out to get you. It's all about them being against you. Your perception of them can't possibly be wrong. Stick to your conclusion that they are out to get you.
2. Don't talk to anyone whom you think has slighted you, insulted you, or otherwise hurt you. Bottle that hurt up inside. Act really strange around them and make them guess why. For heaven's sake, don't let them know and don't ever give them a chance to explain.
3. Make sure everything is all about you. Nothing anyone else is doing is important anyway, right? Make sure all conversations revolve around you, especially when they bring up something about themselves. "Yes, I know you are buying a new house. I wish I could buy a new house. I would love a new house. Oh look, I'm doing this cool thing over here. Let's talk about that."
4. Resent other peoples' happiness. Hate all happy single people, couples, and families. Resent everyone else's accomplishments. Measure your own accomplishments up against theirs and make sure you realize that yours fall short of theirs; this offers an especially good reason to hate them and resent them. Allow your jealousy to show in subtle ways - don't worry, they will catch on. Bonus: If you happen to be single and looking - you can really hate on happy couples.
5. Don't participate in any fun activities with others. Make sure that you sit back and don't join in any reindeer games. Don't engage in any thing that the group is doing. Play it cool, showing that you don't like these childish past times. Don't offer any suggestions on what you would like to do. Let them guess. Spend time instead looking at your phone. Staring off into space or being extremely interested in your fingernails works, too. Bonus: Sit with an uppity expression letting them know of your disdain for their foolish attempts at having fun. A scowl works for this purpose, too. Eye rolls are great here, too. Double bonus: No smiling the entire time.
6. Don't join in the conversation. Make sure that everyone around you is uncomfortable while you sit in silence. Don't bother to learn how to have a conversation. (There are NO books that teach you how to do that, right?) Don't ask anyone questions about themselves, their work, children, spouse, pets, background, hometown, good restaurants, movies they've seen, TV shows they watch, vacations they took, music they listen to, hobbies, or anything like that. That's no way to start a conversation, right? Bonus: The one-word answer when they try to engage you in a conversation is awesome. Hey, they want to talk, let them do the talking, right?
7. Assume everyone is looking at you and judging you for your color, gender, weight, clothing, sexual orientation, make up, lack of make up, hairstyle... something. Assuming this assures that you won't have to be friends with any those judgmental people (i.e., everyone breathing).
8. Ask advice from everyone, take advice from no one. Engage them in senseless conversations about your life and your needs and your wants. Pretend to be listening carefully to what they say. Do the opposite of what they advise. What the hell do they know anyway? Bonus: The more of their time you waste asking their advice and not following it, the less time there will be to do anything meaningful with them. Double bonus: If you accidentally take their advice and things don't work out to your satisfaction, blame them. Triple bonus: If they actually help you, resent that! You didn't need their help! Why the hell are they doing nice things for you? Idiots.
9. Turn every event, family dinner, and party into a time for you to drink too much and bemoan your life to everyone. Get a good crying jag going. Make sure they are good and uncomfortable before you pass out. Bonus: Puking anywhere where someone else has to clean it up. Double bonus: Puking in the car of the poor sap that offered to get you home.
10. Tell everyone who is trying to help you: "You don't understand. You're life is perfect." Make sure you do NOT listen to them when they tell you they have had hardships, sad times, struggles of their own. They are full of crap. You can SEE into their souls and past lives and know that their life has always been perfect and always will be. This is also a good time to play the blame game - anyone and everyone is fair game here - blame at random for your unhappiness! It's good for the soul to not take any responsibility for your own happiness! Bonus: As they struggle to understand you and think of ways to help you, debate every single suggestion they make, start out with, "You don't understand." That is a good counter to all measures anyone might take to help you feel that they have compassion and empathy towards you. Double bonus: Show them your utmost maturity by pointing out to them all the wonderful things in their life vs. the horrible misery that is your life. Give examples. Show your work.
11. Don't smile or talk with anyone at a gathering of any kind. Make sure that no one knows you are there. Enter without greeting anyone; leave without saying goodbye to anyone. Don't engage with anyone. This insures that everyone will NOT think of you when having their own gathering. It makes sure that no one will say, "Hey I met this great guy/gal and I think you would like them, too." No social networking with people in order to meet more people. My goodness, you might accidentally meet more people and they might try to get you to do fun things and meet more people and THOSE people might try to get you to do fun things and meet MORE people. It's a vicious cycle of people wanting to engage with you and have fun. Avoid it all costs.
12. Assume facts not in evidence. Go with that little snippet of conversation you overheard. (Who needs to hear the whole story to make a judgment, right?). Make sure you go with what you observed for 30 seconds, not what may have preceded it or happened afterwards. 30 seconds is enough for you, right? Assume, assume, assume - it won't make an ass out of you and me - just them! Above all, do not seek out the facts of the situation - just judge it from your limited observation of it. That's all you need.
13. Don't try to understand the motivation of others. If someone does something boneheaded, never give them another chance. Don't ask. Don't speak up. (Yes, we already said that before, but it so important that it needs to be reiterated.) Stay in a huff. Be angry. (But, be sure to lie about being angry, hurt, etc. The old classics work well here, "I'm fine. Nothing's wrong.") Don't allow anyone to soothe you or explain the reality of a situation to you. Bonus: Never accept their apology. Double bonus: Encourage them to apologize again. Ha! Don't accept it...again.
14. Run away. Don't stay and try to work it out. Don't give anyone a chance to help you understand what is happening. Don't speak up. (Yep, third time for that one.) Just run away and start over and over and over and over and over. That's fun, right?
15. Judge, judge, and judge some more. Of course, not that anyone should judge you, but it's absolutely fine for you to be Judgy McJudgerson. It's all good. Cut those people right out of your life who do not pass muster. Who needs them, right?
16. Don't. Try. Anything. Ever.
17. Minimize and be unhappy with your accomplishments. Don't take any pride in what you have done. Don't share it with anyone. Always be dissatisfied with your lot in life and think ALL THE TIME about what you haven't done. Bonus: Minimize the accomplishments of others; if you can't enjoy your own accomplishments, then certainly don't enjoy anyone else's. Double bonus: Getting people to listen to how awful it is that you didn't become a brain surgeon, concert pianist, trapeze artist. They'll feel terrible for you.
18. Don't try to do anything to change your situation. If you should accidentally change your situation, fall back on old habits; that will fix everything and make sure that your new situation turns into your old situation. Ah, your comfort zone will be complete. Be very careful with this one. Some people will actually try to help you change you situation to try to make you feel better. Assholes. Get away from them immediately. Bonus: Drag them into your situation, then run away from them. Bewildered, much? Yes, they will be. Rub your hands together gleefully.
19. Drink the Hatorade. Hate things just because your narrow little mind can only handle the most White Bread World possible. Hate on movie stars.. because you know them so well. Hate on the neighbors...what are they up to over there? (But don't try to get to know them!) Hate on the friends of your few remaining friends. (They are terrible people.) Hate on black, white, red, brown, yellow, and/or mixed people (your choice of hate) because they are "something." (You know, lazy, dishonest, scary, ignorant, thugs, SOMETHING... um... different than you.) Hate on gay people, straight people, bi people, transgender people (all weirdoes, right?).
20. Be afraid.
21. Don't understand that this list is really about how to be happy.
So, there you have it, gentle readers! :-) These are surefire ways to stay unhappy. There are plenty more, but it seems that this should be enough to get you going on your road to eternal unhappiness.
Now that you read this, now that you may have recognized yourself in a few of these (hopefully only a few!), do you really want to stay unhappy? Really?
Step out of your own shadow, my friends. Happiness is something attainable. It isn't a myth and it isn't for a privileged few. It's for me. It's for you. Try it on for size! You just might like it! Yes, you might have to work at it. Yes, you might have to do scary and unfamiliar things. The benefits definitely outweigh the risks. I promise!
Love, light, and peace,
Mambo Samantha Corfield